Champagne Shortages & getting Assaulted by Pumpkins on the MTA
Assault by pumpkin is my favorite
Good Morning ConnectiC#nts,
Per usual weird things are happening all around us. This is just my highlight of what transpired this week in the Tri-State.
“News”
It looks like it’s finally happened, reality has pierced our bubble, and we’re all doomed. Champagne, the staple of pointless celebration and expensive bar tabs, is unavailable to the residents of Greenwich, CT.
I’m sure we’ll all keep them in our prayers as they deal with this truly unprecedented time.
An expert on the global economy, Mohammad Elahee, said a confluence of events has caused the shortages hitting Connecticut (and the nation).
“When the production went up, the exporters could not find container ships to send them to the importers. The shipping cost soared significantly, and some importers simply cannot pay for higher shipping costs,” he explained.
Unfortunately, this is the prime reason why we are all starved for our Champagne. Apparently, medical supplies are also delayed or whatever.
“Oh no, our Nerf guns, they’re real”
Oh no, a dart, we’re goners! The cops were called on a group of teenagers from a local high school in Fairfield for “Possessing firearms,” …which just turned out to be Nerf Guns for their local high school senior assassin game. I mean, who can’t tell the difference between a plastic orange and blue nerf blaster and a full metal locked and loaded assault rifle. As far as we’re aware, the kids have been freed by what I imagine are some extremely relieved Fairfield PD.
Tri-State
Pumpkin is back on the menu, and it’s being launched at metro north conductors. A woman was charged yesterday with assault after she hit a train conductor in the face with a pumpkin, the district attorney says.
The incident occurred after she was unable to produce a ticket and was asked to get off at Harlem-125 (I know, the horror!) She was so enthralled at the assumption she would have to get off in *GASP* in Harlem that she allegedly hit the conductor multiple times in the face with the Pumpkin. The conductor was sent to the hospital and received numerous stitches, according to Westchester County District Attorney Miriam Rocah.
Memes of the Week
Finally something I have authority over
Go forth and send
I’ll make sure to make these longer, hire an editor, and add fun fractures to the newsletter, but in the meantime, it would be highly appreciated if you could send this to someone to share. Until next week,
-OHC